By Wild Ice
My eyes don't feel right. It seemed as if tears are waiting to fall but they never. They were stuck there, or probably exhausted of the last fight WE had. This new fight is worst but these drops never loomed. They were in the mix of grief and anger. Grief for the loss of the greatest part of my life, anger for feeling taken for granted.
This is it. I called it off.
I've had enough. these past few weeks I felt that something is missing. Things aren't the way they used to be. But I tried to work it out. But it was still there, that missing part. So all I wanted to have at the very last moment was to be understood, to demand that very tiny time that is possible for a very very short conversation.
THAT AMAZING SECOND OF KNOWING EVERYTHING'S OKAY. But there were so many excuses. All throughout our time span, I ALWAYS hear damn excuses, flimsy even. But right at this moment I was asking for a little attention, I only wanted to be understood for that no-big-deal-but-meaningful mood I was having. But I turned out to be the bad person again, ALWAYS.
I did not want to arouse argument, all I want was a simple attention, that whisper I longed to have despite busy schedule. That simple word, that passionate simple word.... Oh, you confirmed there's nothing left to say because there isn't anymore of what I want. DAMN IT.
To all of you people out there, don't judge. This ain't half of what happened. There's more story behind it. For the mean time, all I want to do now is get myself drunk, bleed, and get a hell of a night. Don't worry, I will be watchful of myself. All I want to do now is drown... Not to die, but to drown... To feel something different enveloping my body, something odd gurgling in my ears, something that would hide those which will come out my eyes.
By Wild Ice
Many people would think that I am such a deep person to appreciate Britney Spears. But you see, there's more to Britney than just being a pop star.
People like me who are into dark ideas, deep thoughts and ideas of a better world do not sit at one corner playing "..Baby One More Time" and instead, switching from one rock song to another. Let me just tell you that I am not a person of conventions but for some reason, I grew up being attached to pop music. And Britney is one hell of a pop icon.
Here are some reasons why one must like Britney Spears:
1. Her hits. Sure, everyone is singing it, so what?? Britney's songs make one feel confident, mobile and even sexy. She works with producers that make her songs GREAT. Most of Brit's upbeats make you move, and I am a person of wanting to make a move. Never mind if she's not totally as good as the voices of Mariah, Celine Dion or Christina Aguilera, her songs make it up for her. Every single is a sure hit.
2. Britney is pretty. Notice I did not 'was pretty'. You've seen her at her finest (I think her video "I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman" put her into her best look ever, but there's more) and at her worst (That umbrella holding bold lady down the sidewalk? Yeah, that's our lady). She still looks great, she can care not about her looks for one moment and the next time you see her, she's back again. Celebrities are not perfect. They are just humans.
3. Performances. Have you seen her rock in Video Music Awards 2000? That skin-toned pants and bra? Or that snake on her on VMA 2001? I'm sure you haven't forgot about her lip lock with the Queen of Pop, Madonna. Oh, have seen her hanging with acrobats in the Circus Tour? How about inside a golden cage? How about her controversial Onyx Hotel Tour when the performance stimulated masturbation? Or those dance moves... Those DANCE MOVES...
NOTE: I love Onyx Hotel Tour than Circus Tour but they are both great. Of course, we can't disregard Dream Within A Dream Tour when the stage had an artificial rain for the encore.
4. Her voice. She's not really that GREAT as in Mariah or Witney great in singing, but hey, her voice is very experimental. You listen to her first two albums hearing her as a simple pop singer, then comes the breathy-voice for the third and fourth album. In "Do Somethin'", she had a little play with her voice, which she rarely did in her songs. Then, Blackout emphasized her sexually-empowered voice with a little robotic touch with her high-pitched voice in "Radar". Then, she did more experiments with Circus. Can't wait for what's new in her upcoming album temporarily entitled "B-Girl".
5. She's a trend setter. We all know she was followed by most solo female acts after she emerged with Baby One More Time. You know those low rise jeans we die of wearing to feel sexy? She started those. Even her songs inspired other songs, for example, the "Revolver" song of Madonna as a twin of "Radar".
6. She's a commercialized product. I always think she's a robot designed by the people around her. She's prepped up and pushed onstage and she does how she is instructed to do, and this is actually what she likes. She is who she is in front of you, with the help of people who put armors on her to do the battle onstage.
7. One thing I love the most about her: her choreography. Words are not enough to describe her complicated and well-thought choreo. But nowadays, she rarely moves as how she was at her peak and that's at the time she was doing her Onyx Hotel Tour. The last time we saw her dance at her best is the leaked video of her dance rehearsal for the song "Mannequin". How we all wish she hooks up with her past choreographers, especially Wade Robson (He's responsible for those popular steps in "I'm A Slave 4 U" and he produced her "Dream Within A Dream Tour").
I love Britney. She's pretty to look at, though she gets a little chubby at times but hey, she's hot. When you hear her songs, you feel there's something beautiful in your ears, and then it runs through your veins and make your body move and the next thing you know, you're out of words. You stop typing, and then you groove.
By Wild Ice
Watch out. I'm throwing shits right now. I'm pissed off big time! Have you ever had that time that you were in a smooth flow of thoughts as you type something and then suddenly, the screen went blank.
I just had one. Somebody accidentally kicked the plug off the outlet and I controlled my eruption by merely hissing. The most annoying part was that guy who restarted the computer did not apologize and just kept silent. I WISH HE DEFECATE BLADES AS HE WALKED AWAY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS TURNED OFF SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM WHICH WILL MAKE HIM TERRIBLY LONESOME AND POOR BECAUSE HIS CREDIT CARD WON"T WORK ANYMORE.
Speaking of defecate, I was actually writing a while ago about this one event which I bet most
of you has experienced already. Have you ever had that time when somebody figures out that you have just "withdrawn" from the bathroom and they give this unnatural yet common reaction, "Ewwww... You're disgusting! Yuck!"?
I just had one.
This happened at work when I came out and the people there realized what I just did since there were already two people in line when I came out. One person said the reaction I quoted above. I smiled, forcing my brow not to rise and my throat from spitting fire, "Why?? It's natural... I'd be damned if..."
I just dismissed the nonsense talk. I was too lazy to argue that time and the words are now left hanging in my head so I have to let it out of this toilet bowl.
Yes! You're definitely holding my shit. All you need to do now, my dear reader, is flush it. Oh, the flush is automatic, it's right there inside your skull.
Why should defecating be disgusting?? I used a bathroom, emptied my bowels as everyone else does into the toilet bowl... What's wrong with that?
You could say it's disgusting if I defecate in front of you, or I ate my own feces, or worse, don't defecate! I'd be a living example of a sewer! Smell me, Manila! Smell me!
Are we that stupid now? Do we want the human species to collect waste inside our bodies? Or do we think it's very unnatural to empty our bowels?
Please flush these shit I just posted.
There. Feels better.
By Wild Ice
There was a force pulling me down to the office to pass the two-page sheets of my first step to independence. I walked out our own office and found on perfect timing my boss, or shall we say the closest boss in the organizational chart, my coordinator. A charming, packed with sense of humor, and understanding man, my coordinator, here be pronounced as Coor, met me in the corridor as I told him about my decision to resign. He led us to the library to confide.
There I told him everything, my aspirations, my history, and of course my decision to finally break a few more chains off parental controls.
He understood me, yet brought up the topic of the life after school. I completely had no idea, and he stressed that I ought to have a very certain job to fall into or else I will end up a bum---which I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BECOME AFTER GRADUATING (The sound of ka-ching! gives me tingles and being dependent to parents with that means falling once more into their decisions for me).
I'm so glad we had that talk, which was by the way a little cathartic considering I was suffering fresh from a wound in a relationship. I felt better knowing my Coor was concerned of my future, that he trusts my decisions and yet, tells me howhe wants me to stay for my OWN DAMN GOOD. But I could not be pulled back anymore, I was taking that step.
The conversation ended, I came out of the library and down the stairs as some students in the corridor carried some microscopes. There was a suspenseful music thundering in my head as I approached the Office where my paper shall lay.
I opened the door, gave the paper to the secretary, and watched as she read it. She suddenly looked up at me after browsing over the letter and she smiled--a smile which was not of approval, but of a question left hanging in the air. That certain air flew in the campus and was inhaled by the people surrounding me. After that day, I momentarily had to playback a recorded answer on my tongue for the interrogations which that air made them do repeatedly.
I will not mention anymore the reactions of some, but their reactions were somehow relieving to know I'm not alone. This afternoon, I had a conversation with our Mommy in the workplace, Mrs. C--who was by the way my favorite teacher from 3rd year high school until third year college because of her prowess in teaching math (I hate math but she made me LEARN math during that time). The same advices went on, a female version of my Coor. This time, I felt her love and care more, despite those dragon-like features. There's nothing like a mother in a workplace.
This afternoon, as I dismissed my kids, they asked me whether my plan of resignation is certain and I told them that I've already done the first step of it last week. Some cried, which was touching because I learned that they loved me. And there were even messages in my Facebook account referring to me and all about how I taught them to grow up and how I took care of them.
"Is it the attitude of the kids?" The teachers would ask me.
"No," I replied, "I actually love the students. They are the best part of my teaching."
To be continued... Not that I mean the profession, okay?
By Wild Ice
Had I been that very negative person who spills everything negative? Am I? Do I keep on talking about stuff which I am pissed off? Am I always angry in my blogs?
If you are into fallacies, the answer to these questions would be a fucking yes. Yeah, most of the time I do that. I go harassing (stupid) people with my words. But I don't harass them for no reason. Of course, I JUST WANT TO EXPRESS MY OPINION LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Okay, well, there are times that we really ought to shut up. There are times that we need to consider a lot of stuff. But when I, ehem, expose stuff which are not really aligned with justice.... Why bother be an audience to the tragicomedy of our community??
Oh, and by the way, I would like to make it a point that I don't say I am not stupid. Hello, I've been talking about EVERYONE being a little foolish at times, and I can tell you whenever I act like one. (Check my other blogs, I've even self-diagnosed with being a maudlin).
I would like to say more, but as they say, we ought to shut up sometimes... Does this count that this is a positive blog? I doubt. But anyways, you get the point.
By Wild Ice
No, I won't be stopped. Spotlight's on me as I fumbled for words. You sit there as an audience in anticipation. The words tumbled out of my head, in a series of freak show. Some are dancing and singing, some are on a flying trapeze, the others in the Tiger's cage.
This is what I do. I write.
It may be traced back in history that I was a person unheard. But the most appropriate description for that would be 'taken for granted'. My voice was always taken as something like 'just to add a dialogue on the script' and right there and then, I knew had to mean something.
I won't be stopped. This is my stage. My hands are on the keyboard and the words sparkled about. I tapped on the keys and music came out---something I don't intend to be appreciated by others (though thankful I am if you do) but for the mere fact that this is cathartic. There are times that you can't spill out the words because people don't listen. And I, a person with great fear of rejection, grabs no opportunity to look at the back of someone as I reason myself.
And so, I write.
No, I won't be stopped. Never in my life that I told someone to read my blog unless a topic comes on and I had to refer to one of my posts. In blogs, A READER ALWAYS HAS A CHOICE: TO READ OR NOT TO READ. Once you read my words, it only means you are ready to digest my opinions and NEVER DID I TELL YOU TO ALWAYS AGREE WITH ME. An audience is smart, someone who knows whether to believe what he sees or not. YOU ARE NOT STUPID. If in case you are, and you are meant to misunderstand my fountains of lexicon: SPARE YOURSELF, NEVER READ MY BLOGS AND JUST GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I never force you to come in to my circus. This is not your place then.
I write blogs because in writing, it is not up to me to choose who will listen but it is up to the audience if he would or not. Therefore, I save myself from getting those X signs from close-minded beings.
No, I still won't be stopped. All I say here are MINE-MINE MINE MINE.. NOT YOUR OPINION. If you leave a comment, disagreeing or otherwise, MY PLEASURE! As long as you listened, it's already a count to my ticket sales! I don't mind people disagreeing with my opinions--they exist because they somehow have enough knowledge to prove me wrong--AND I LOVE THAT. I'm open to people's opinions--ALWAYS. But whenever I have a point, WHY SHOULD I STOP?
I wont' be stopped.
