Pornography of My Inner Universe
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Life Is A Rollercoaster

By Wild Ice
If I were to start of my blog right now with a reference to a roller coaster, it may turn out that I'm talking about my former professor, Prof M, whom I have mentioned a lot from my past blogs. But this one is different. This time I will be talking about the first half of the year. If you were to recall, two years ago I failed to make a summation--a tradition I do every end of the year to recount all of the major events that has happened to me within that year. This is probably a make-up for that lack (though this turns out as my half-year summation--a first in my blogging history!)
Back in late 90's, Ronan Keating, a singer who used to be a member of Boyzone, released a single entitled "Life is A Rollercoaster". When I was younger, I had a sort of a feeble mind. But there were moments that the cosmos would give me the power to think with my soul. When I heard the song, I spent the next half of the day thinking about life being a rollercoaster in many ways.
(Despite the long and boring introduction, I shall be glad that you are still reading this part of my blog. Thank you.)
Early this year, I have been through a painful break up. It felt like one of the most heartbreaking moment of my life. But I'm sure right now, despite not being able to compromise with the other half due to "pride" (or shall I say "fear"), I can say I have moved on. At the first quarter of the year, I have filed my resignation to my recent work. Unemployment led me to insecurity of my future. But I'm glad I was able to find one now.
Close to the end of the first half of the year, the biggest inspiration of my life passed away. To all honesty, I hated how my mother died even if she was in a hospital. There was supposed to be sorrow at the very moment she died but I had blood boiling in my veins because of some scenes that did not come of my favor.
Yet, I have my friends to be there for me. I realized that there are a lot of them, FRIENDS--REAL FRIENDS-- who are there to stand by me when I need them, who are there to have fun with me, do stupid things for and with me, and most of all, UNDERSTAND ME for my acts. It is not that they tolerate me, nor it is that they pretend to, but because they were MATURE, WISE, and SMART. And did I mention MATURE? MATURE.
This half of the year feels like being in the head of someone bipolar. I come to a point to stop and think, "Will this quick acceleration of ups and downs drive me hard core mad?". But I say no. The last time I checked my brain (which was 0.21 seconds ago), I'm still sane but not perfectly sane or else--I'd be DAMN BORING!
Yes, Mr. Keating, life is a ride with astonishing shifts and drops and we ain't breaking until we're aching. This is a ride in real life. You can not go off board because you are going to die literally. We just have to deal with these. And Mr. Keating, I think you should meet Leanne Rhymes, because after your song, I just want to stress out that "Life Goes On". All of these battles will only make us strong. So keep on living! It is really a crazy ride--but admit it, the reason why it is in an amusement park is it is THRILLING!!

Nerdy Nerd

By Wild Ice
Books are somehow my best friends. But I'm a very choosy reader. Still, I read a lot. AND write a lot. I enjoy talking about deep thoughts, ideas, if not, bizarre ones. That's why I always have commentaries with things around me. That's why I talk a lot about making a difference, about changing the world, about watching your acts or words, etc.
No, I don't get offended when someone calls me a nerd or a geek, or that I'm nuts. First of all, let me tell you: If I were a nerd, I STRONGLY believe (I hope the capitalized letters mean something to some readers in case they are not NERDS like me) that I'm THE HOTTEST NERD AROUND.
I don't wear dorky glasses but I REALLY don't mind if I do, there are times they look extremely fashionable. I know how to dress myself well (proven. No need to explain. But there are times I really just prefer to let everything hang on my body because I'm in no mood). And I got talents (I can sing, dance, rap, make a speech, crack jokes, impersonate, write a blog *teneeenn!!*, ride a roller coaster---THAT'S A TALENT I THINK, etc.---this is a talent too!). I'm somehow socially awkward though (at times.. depending on the external and internal weather).

We could say that my 'nerdiness' is just a background. But this is something that makes me GREAT and outwit those who know how to dress well, talented and socially active but without brains. My nerdiness lets me become a person of worth; I'm not just that person that stand there and look good---because I KNOW, I CAN, and I AM.

About telling me that I should get my brain checked, sorry, I do that a lot of times. You don't have to tell me I'm crazy. I'm proud I am. We all are. Those who are in that place where they get cured because of craziness just have a very awkward level as ours. But we are ALL NUTS. I dare you to raise you hand and claim you aren't. We all do a little crazy stuff. There's always a part there in our head that tells us this crazy idea, you just choose to listen or not. But it's there, you know and I know. We know. You can't deny it.

And because I'm nuts, it keeps my life and me from being ordinary, plain and dull (like you.. OH WAIT, who am I talking about? I ain't talking about someone! Hahahaha! I'm nuts!). I don't have to walk within the lines, I dare myself--and that's where one gets fulfillment!! It makes one proud to say, "I was ABLE to do it!!" "I ventured and I LOVE IT!!". It pays to be crazy at times.

We don't live just to say we got a house, kids and a job. We live to dare! We have to make our life meaningful. You can't just sit there and say you're the best TV audience ever---YOU HAVE TO BE THAT TV. You need to be interesting. And if you dare to make a change, dare to stand out, dare to become SOMEONE worth knowing, who cares if you're a nerd?? You spend your life worth living and people and things around you will agree YOU WERE WORTH LIVING because YOU KNOW, YOU CAN, and YOU ARE.

Environmentality: The Earth Hour

By Wild Ice
Rubber wristbands are becoming common these days because of the Election coming this May. Take your pick: Yellow, Green, Orange, etc. You have them with of course the names of the candidate you are rooting for. Just a few weeks ago, my student gave me this black rubber wrist band. I'm a big fan of black. And when I checked out this wristband, it contained the word "Environmentality" and the word "think". I am also a huge fan of the Environment and at the same time, the act of thinking. These are two things I guess we should vote for, or consider, before anything else.
Being part of saving the environment is a big thing not just for our safety but also for the safety of generations to come. The Earth Hour happened here in the Philippines from 8:30PM to 9:30PM in the evening of March 27, 2010. I attended this tiny gathering at a mall which was part of sponsoring the event. There were three artists on stage as we waited for the hour that the Filipinos would be "united" in taking care of the only place we live in; The Earth.
The countdown started and as the clock struck Eight Thirty, there were cheers everywhere (although cheering was not part of the activities planned when the Earth Hour begins, it's just that people thought probably they should behave the same way as New Year's Eve when countdown ends).
I looked around, with my cellphone recording the video of the event. To my surprise and disappointment, the establishments around only turned off a few lights; just one or two in the outside and most of the lights in the sidewalks ONLY.
And they claimed they support the Earth Hour.
Just a few minutes after the countdown, I left the place and rode myself home. That's when I somehow lost the feeling of disappointment; the lights in that certain avenue I was in was almost zero. Yup. The huge buildings rising above me barely had any light on. Even the sidewalks had none. Only the cars were illuminating the roads. Now, this is what I call SUPPORT.
I somehow understand that the mall I was in had the wisest mind not to turn ALL of the lights off because they had some business to deal with. But, if you truly support the Earth Hour, you'll offer that one hour---that ONLY ONE HOUR----that the world is asking of you. It's a commitment. It's the only time in the year that you get to contribute something big (actually, small because it happens once a year in a country) to the world. Imagine if you make money today yet have no place to live in tomorrow because the world is doomed due to Global Warming. Imagine you can go anywhere because of the money you made but tomorrow, there are no more beautiful places to go because the Earth is damaged. Imagine.. Think... Think... Environmentality.
How stupid our humans are nowadays? They don't care, unless they get there. They don't care unless they feel the pressure of the world's end. It's very frustrating.
Close-minded people.
I came home and in our compound, only our house had no electricity on. As usual, only my side of the family was participating for the said event. When it was already somehow thirty minutes after the Earth Hour began, my little brother turned the lights on. My father asked if isn't it was supposed to be an hour-long activity.
My stupid little brother answered, "If we go on for an hour, do we get any money for it?"
I hurled some mud and vegetables over his mouth and pulled the sun back to the sky to let him burn with his bird brain toasting in futility. "DON'T YOU GET THE POINT OF PARTICIPATING THE EARTH HOUR?? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT MONEY, YOU INSIGNIFICANT CARBON-DIOXIDE PRODUCER!!!"
Of course, I did not really do those. It was all Environmentality with a twist.

Pulang Nihirang

By Wild Ice
Pinoys are very addicted in reviving songs. We have revived many songs that our modern artists make album as if they're just singing in videokes. Just let them take a mic in a videoke and they make an instant album. If asked if they were able to popularize a song, please shoot them if they think they own that song.
Maybe this was in the mind of Arnel Pineda when he sang the national anthem. He thought he owns the song, so he had to make his own version, just like the bigger number of "Original" Pinoy Music artists we have now.
We need to have great respect for our country, the heritage our heroes entrusted to us modern pinoys. We need to respect the song as it is. The problem is, when Arnel Pineda sang the National Anthem "Lupang Hinirang" before the fight of Manny Pacquiao and Joshua Clottey, he wanted to end it with a very high note that would mark in the minds of Filipinos. Well, it sure did, in a different sense.
You see, I have nothing against Arnel. And I totally agree with his passion in being "artistic" when he claimed that it was for his "artistic freedom" to sing the anthem that way. You get the greatest privelege to sing the anthem in front of the whole wide world, take the opportunity. He's the biggest star in music at that moment---everyone is, once we step out to pull our lungs out with the patriotic lyrics drooling out of our tongue. But you see, this proves how much we want things to go our way.
We're not dignified as ONE filipinos. If we want to sing it this way, who the hell can stop me? I just want to make an impression. But let's not forget, WE ARE A SLAVE TO THE ANTHEM WHEN WE SING IT; The anthem should not suffer to our own will.
We want to make it more beautiful. WHY? It's already beautiful. Actually, the anthem may end in a different note, the one sopranos in most choirs do when they do the voicing. It was accepted, I heard either Regine Velasquez or Sarah Geronimo use that note at some special event I can't recall. The anthem may end in a high note, but still it is the one approved by the National Historical Institute.
NHI is not overreacting. They are trying to preserve the dignity of our National Anthem. They just want to set things straight---they are not trying to grab our attentions far from any other issues. They just want to prove that there is still a group that secures our history, and everything involved in it, will never be altered because it should be WHAT IT REALLY IS.
Forgive Arnel Pineda. Singing "Lupang Hinirang" in front of billions of people worldwide is a huge pressure. What he should realize, and every artist should also, is that the National Anthem will always be as it is. That is what Julian Felipe, the composer of the song but not the Filipino lyrics, composed for the Filipinos in all generation as a symbol of our freedom, our dignity, and our undying love for our motherland.
Let's be united, us filipinos. We keep on wanting our own desires to be the one accepted by many people. It's time we act as one, and by acting as one, we need to be firm. And singing the national anthem is one way of staying firm. It never changes in time, because it is what it is... And it is one heck of a magnanimous composition that painted the Philippine air,and the whole world, through the years of filipinos free from the grips of foreign claws.


By Wild Ice
The fun part of teaching is that no matter how many times you shout at your students, as long as you still show respect and care for them, they will stay with you... Unlike that someone whom I shouted only once in my life left me for blah blah blah blah.. What was that again? Okay, about my students...
Some of them (especially my advisory class) already have an idea that I'm about to step out of the career. At first, it was touching to find my advisory class keeps on sending me letters and messages telling me not to go, that they will miss me, that they will never have another "father" there. But I told them this, "Amen, I say to you..."
Just kidding. This is the real dialogue, "You will move on and become children of other advisers, but in my case, you will forever be my ONLY children in this school."
Some of them already wept. Some of them claimed that they will not study these anymore if I wouldn't be around (not sure if they are certain they will do this, but the proclamation seems touching). Some of them even dreamed of me already having a new but ODD job.
But they are my advisory class--well-known for their (great) lack of sense of responsibility. I told them to do me favors before I leave, that they do their tasks well and perform good at school but they only improved approximately ten percent better.
There's this student who talked to me last week. He was not from my advisory class. But he opened his problem about not going to school next year. The choice was either he go to a public school or he stops schooling because of some problem.
The case was pretty much similar to mine before I entered Junior highschool.
Clyde (not his real name), the student I'm talking about, sought for an advise and I told him that if he were to be enrolled in a public school, it's better than to stop. He is such a smart boy and I don't want him to stop studying. I told him the consequences and the essence of graduating.
After that, he became close to me. He's a very nice boy and very smart, talented even. He started talking to me more. Then, he found out somewhere that I would be quitting being an educator. The nice part is that he didn't want me to quit, and he said something that echoed all that day from other students as well. There were students who told me that I'm "the only one who understands them".
I don't want to question other teachers for this. Maybe the students just found me being opened minded a bridge to wipe out the gap between teachers and students. Of course, they know when to pay respect to me. But I also go down the throne to get to know them more.
We don't teach to show off we know something that they should know, but we teach to let them feel that they can be how we are. And by being able to understand their situation will really pull them closer to you as a teacher.
But, sad to say, I can't stay. I'm looking forward for something more. But I can't deny the fact that the STUDENTS ARE THE BEST PART OF BEING A TEACHER, no matter how terrible their behavior is.
They keep our job from being static, from being boring, from being stagnant. This is my hobby ever since I was young; to get to know different walks of life. And by being a teacher, we don't just know them, we walk with them.

I Indeed Babysat

By Wild Ice
Whether the title has something to do with what happened or not, the main purpose of the title here is to remind you that this is the past tense version of my very first post about the relationship of me and my Baby. It's in the past tense for the reason that the greatest paradox we ever committed to is that forever ended. Immortality died.
I'm not here to mention the happenings just so that I could make you agree with my own side of the story. No, that's not what I do. And I will spare the person I loved from any judgments. But of course, I can't help but spill a bit of general information here.
I just need to let it out to feel a little better. Catharsis.
Sometimes, in an argument, we all don't need to hear explanations when someone does us wrong. All we need is that one word to make it all okay: "Sorry". I just wanted to feel better by that very very very simple word because nothing was a big deal and all considerations were considered--I'm a person who does his best to understand the side of others. You need not to explain, I already know if not all partly of what you will say. All I wanted that time was to be understood that I just want to be a bit comforted, cared of.. Just a simple wish which turned out to be for some as a challenge to break the relationship.
Of course, the rest is history. I don't want to say more.
The feeling is true: When you have no more chance to be with the one you love, the memories will flash like the montage on movies. It was happening to me the whole day--the images ran through my head every second without warning. And the thought of that person makes your chest heavy, as if your heart is loaded with dirt that you can't bring yourself up anymore.
Yes, so many regrets. But we both agreed it's for the better. We have come through A LOT of people who tried to bring us down but now, here we are, half due to my mistake, half yours. Oh, well.... Life goes on. I'm not sure if I were to love again soon enough, because I keep on searching for that CERTAIN love I had for more than a year.
If it's sweeter at the start, then it's bitter in the end.
But before I go, let me share this wonderful text message I received from a friend named Ghie:
"The person who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, and how hard you are to handle.. But still wants you in his/her life."
"How would you know the mark of a person worth keeping for the erst of your life? It's when you become impossible to deal with.. Yet, they stay."


By Wild Ice
My eyes don't feel right. It seemed as if tears are waiting to fall but they never. They were stuck there, or probably exhausted of the last fight WE had. This new fight is worst but these drops never loomed. They were in the mix of grief and anger. Grief for the loss of the greatest part of my life, anger for feeling taken for granted.
This is it. I called it off.
I've had enough. these past few weeks I felt that something is missing. Things aren't the way they used to be. But I tried to work it out. But it was still there, that missing part. So all I wanted to have at the very last moment was to be understood, to demand that very tiny time that is possible for a very very short conversation.
THAT AMAZING SECOND OF KNOWING EVERYTHING'S OKAY. But there were so many excuses. All throughout our time span, I ALWAYS hear damn excuses, flimsy even. But right at this moment I was asking for a little attention, I only wanted to be understood for that no-big-deal-but-meaningful mood I was having. But I turned out to be the bad person again, ALWAYS.
I did not want to arouse argument, all I want was a simple attention, that whisper I longed to have despite busy schedule. That simple word, that passionate simple word.... Oh, you confirmed there's nothing left to say because there isn't anymore of what I want. DAMN IT.
To all of you people out there, don't judge. This ain't half of what happened. There's more story behind it. For the mean time, all I want to do now is get myself drunk, bleed, and get a hell of a night. Don't worry, I will be watchful of myself. All I want to do now is drown... Not to die, but to drown... To feel something different enveloping my body, something odd gurgling in my ears, something that would hide those which will come out my eyes.